If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
