My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
