oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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