That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize