you told grandpa to call you daddy
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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