I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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