He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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