so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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