It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
