this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
