I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
