Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
