Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
