just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
