Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
