so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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