i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
