you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize