the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
