Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
