Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
