god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Floor bacon is actually really good
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize