we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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