I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I have fence marks all over my body
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
