So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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