I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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