did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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