my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
