she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
