My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize