This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize