Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
