Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
