Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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