Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
