A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize