So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
