My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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