this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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