I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
