Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
