Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
