dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
