Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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