im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
