I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize