margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
never play flip cup with pint glasses
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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