Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
