If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
