Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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