Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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