You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize