I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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