**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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