I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
