I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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