He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
i think my cat just said my name.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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