Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
