girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
