We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
So gin and wine won't be happening again
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize