Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
