I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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