Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize