You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
