When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Are we still banned from the library?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
