Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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