One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
