do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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