I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Never underestimate the power of titties
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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