what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
