I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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