I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
