My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
