that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize